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"We Are ... Step'n Ahead"®

"Step'n Ahead at The last mile"®

 

 -- The story of how it all began --

 

"A Magnificent Obsession"

by:  Friends of Step'n Ahead

 

 

    We approached the person who is the subject of this story with the idea of this writing via his good and trusted friend TJ in hopes he could get him to see the value and practicality of using an internet website to attract alcoholics -- men and women alike -- who consciously and unconsciously suffer from The ISM Factor in alcoholism so that they may have an opportunity to learn about the "maestro of madness" in alcoholism, which is to suggest "The ISM Factor," it's co-conspirator "spiritual depression" and the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome.

 

    We like to describe Spiritual Depression as:  "living with feelings of remorse, guilt and self-loathing ... resentment, self-pity and fear; feeling separate, different, and alone; acting, feeling or being isolated, withdrawn, set apart, solitary, disunited; vacillating between feelings of superiority, gnawing anxiety and inferiority.

 

    After giving the idea considerable thought, spending time in prayer and meditation, and discussing it with his sponsor and closest friends, he acquiesced to TJ's request to share his journey from the depths of despair, hopelessness and futility, while physically sober, to a life that is fulfilled; a life in which he feels happy, useful and whole -- needed, wanted and loved. 

 

    He spent the winter of '03 and '04 in Chicago setting the stage for this story.  He spent countless hours with close friends recalling memories of his adventure. 

 

    Here then is the story surrounding "We Are ... Step'n Ahead" and "Step'n Ahead at The Last Mile" workshops, The ISM Factor and the pathogenesis of "Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome." 

 

"A Magnificent Obsession"

 

    Early in 1984, when he was seven years sober, he was facing a crucial decision:  does he enter into therapy, submit to taking anti-depressant medication; commit suicide; or try to live within the framework of Alcoholics Anonymous -- free of medication -- even though he no longer believed AA would work for him.

 

    At the time he was (and had been since early '79) working in various alcoholism treatment programs -- in the field -- as they like to say.  He was attending AA meetings daily, working with a sponsor, taking commitments in his home group, and working the steps to the best of his ability. 

 

    To the outside world he presented a picture of a "jolly good fellow."  Inwardly, however, he vacillated between bouts of (spiraling) depression, growing (gnawing) anxiety, and intense emotional states of excitement and agitation.  His mind raced uncontrollably.  His emotional and mental demeanor was set on guarded and defensive.  He didn't feel as though he fit in, belonged, or was a part of.  He felt separate, different and alone, even in AA -- sober!  He was now more restless, irritable and discontent with life than before he got sober and, not knowing "why," he was ready to leave AA.

 

    Perhaps his counselor friends were right, maybe he was obsessed with AA.  After all, they did suggest he was extremely dependent upon AA and his sponsor, at the same time suggesting AA is a crutch for people who can't live in the real world.  He lived with these thoughts as well: "what’s wrong with me, AA isn’t working for me!  Am I really an alcoholic, or am I just crazy…a genuine psych case, or what?"  Looking around, he simply didn’t feel "in," if you know what we mean.

 

    The only relief he found from the madness in his mind was when he talked with a newcomer, read in his Big Book or studied his 12n’12.  Early on, the essays in the 12n’12 interested him, but he heard some well meaning men and women alcoholics say to stay away from that book (Twelve Steps & Traditions Traditions)!  "It’s psycho-babble!  It’s an expression of Bill W’s ego!  Dr. Bob didn't agree with it!  Bill wrote it just to make money!  He was severely depressed when he wrote it!"  And finally, to drive their point home and perhaps in an attempt to demonize the 12n'12, they would recite Dr. Bob's final admonition to Bill regarding Freudian complexes, subtly suggesting to him the 12n'12 is "Freudian." 

 

    Maybe their opinions of Bill and the writing of the Twelve Step essays are true, perhaps all are true, perhaps none!?!  However, it was suggested to him early on that God uses our defects of character in His service, and when we are willing to let them go and move on to better things, He would empower us to do so.  If we are willing, the right people and the right information would be in place to guide and direct us.  We believe whatever his (Bill W.) motives may have been, and we will never truly know his unconscious reasoning, Bill W. was used by God to produce this "blueprint" (the 12 n' 12) of insight into the invisible nature of The ISM Factor in alcoholism. 

 

    He was soon to know the true wisdom behind the writing of the 12n’12.  Most importantly, he was about to discover the truth about himself as a man, as a human being, and as a child of a loving God, as he understood Him, and in the process come to understand The ISM Factor in alcoholism, empowering him to share his newfound knowledge with those who remain obscured and in the dark about this critical aspect of our illness.

 

    Having been treated medically and psychiatrically over the years, placed in 17 various institutions, including jail, psych-wards, hospitals and treatment centers, it is interesting to note that -- for whatever reason -- he had not come to know the true and fatal nature of his dilemma spiritually.  And he wanted to know; he needed to know; he had to know!  Unfortunately he was taught self-knowledge would avail him nothing -- having been told this by numerous "well intentioned" personalities. 

 

    While it may be true knowledge alone avails us nothing when it comes to stopping drinking, when it comes to staying sober, action combined with a full knowledge of our condition leads to understanding, and understanding ultimately releases our fears so they may fall away.  This understanding leads to wisdom and wisdom empowers.  However, action without knowledge of our condition leads to the placement of a faulty dependence on people, places and things for feelings of self-satisfaction, approval, worthiness; safety and protection.  Therefore, the question becomes just how do we gain knowledge of our condition without falling into "analysis-paralysis" and/or faulty emotional dependence. 

 

    The answer is almost too simple:  he become convinced of the true and fatal nature of his condition as he worked the 12 Steps, as they are outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous and amplified in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions; he acted on being sponsored and being a sponsor; and he was of service to AA -- for fun and for free.

 

    He was sitting in a meeting six years sober contemplating suicide, feeling lost, hopeless, beyond all aid.  He was feeling as though he didn’t fit in AA, and he was questioning whether he was really alcoholic - having only drank beer and a little "fine wine" (like Ripple, Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill and Madd Dogg 20/20).  "Maybe I’m just crazy like they say" thought he.  Strange as it seems, he felt an odd sense of relief accompanying the idea he was crazy.  Perhaps, he thought "crazy, but not alcoholic, all I drink is beer!  Why don’t I go somewhere where I can get help for my mental disorders.  My problems are not related to alcohol and alcoholism!"  Thank God for his sponsor.  His sponsor reassured him that was NOT a sane course of action.

 

    He said a prayer he didn’t really believe in and, in all probability, was a desperate stab at relief.  "Help me" said he.  His thinking was "if I don’t get an answer soon or, at the very least, some relief, today is the day!"  Interestingly enough, he felt a strange sense of relief with the idea it would be over soon.  He had made up his mind -- the "maestro of madness" held him firmly in his unrelenting grip, stone .. cold … sober!  He was preparing himself for the ultimate sacrifice.

 

    The thought to call his sponsor came into mind.  For the moment he pushed the thought aside.  He had convinced himself after six years of trying, AA wouldn't work for him.  Many in the alcoholism treatment field with whom he was working suggested he needed to see an expert.  His so-called friends "in the field" suggested he not listen to his sponsor as he is not an expert.  Much to his chagrin, he listened to them rather than call his sponsor.  He called a psychiatrist instead. 

 

    He spent an hour with the psychiatrist.  Based upon his symptomatic report, the doctors interpretation of that report and following lab tests, it was suggested to him that he is bi-polar, manic-depressive with a chemical imbalance, and in need of medication.  The doctor suggested he begin therapy, submit to taking Lithium, Amitriptolene, and an experimental anti-depressant (Prozac-c1984) which the FDA approved in 1985. 

 

    At this point, he didn’t know what to think.  He was fairly certain he wouldn’t drink that day so, does he take the medication, end it all, or does he call his sponsor.  These were the thoughts going through his mind.  His mind was clicking and twisting like that of a Rubik’s Cube.  His emotions -- as he likes to say -- were "stuck on agitate and spin."  Just then, a voice went off in his head.  Call me!  It was his sponsor’s voice.  He called him and thank God he did!  It proved to be one of the most important calls of his physically sober life.  His sponsor was home and he took his call.

 

    They met at a local eatery.  His sponsor brought along a couple of his "old-timer" cronies (in his opinion, so they could judge him) to join in.  He was excited.  He said to Barney: "I went to a doctor and I finally know what’s wrong with me!  I’m bi-polar!!!"  His sponsor didn’t hesitate, saying "I know it!  We all know it, don’t we fellas!?!  We’ve known for a long time now that you’re bi-polar!  You know, kid, one of these days you’ll be walking down 16th Street and you’re gonna hear the loudest explosion you’ve ever heard -- it’s gonna be your head poppin’ right outta you’re as--, and you won’t be bipolar no more." 

 

    When they got done laughing, his sponsor said "bi-polar-smypolar, I don’t know about that, I’m not a doctor.  Perhaps you are bi-polar as they say.  Let’s consider this for a moment.  I’ve known you the entire time you’ve been in and around AA, and you’ve always commented you don’t know what’s wrong with you.  Perhaps that is why you haven’t fully accepted the idea you may just be alcoholic suffering from alcoholism.  I have an idea.  Before you decide to take a bunch of medication, why don’t you first investigate the work Bill W. applied to overcome his anxiety and depression.  While it is not a popular idea among many in the alcoholism treatment field, and even in AA, I am under the impression he overcame his depression completely and lived free and 'in the clear' for much of the remainder of his life.  Then decide for yourself about the diagnosis and the medication." 

 

    He understood his sponsor wasn’t a doctor.  But he also knew the doctor he visited wasn’t alcoholic and without personal experience the doctor couldn’t fully understand alcoholism and all that goes with it.  And, even if the doctor was alcoholic, being a doctor in recovery alone doesn’t qualify a doctor as an “expert” on alcoholism, and especially does not qualify him to render judgment about the AA way of life unless he has successfully lived it for several years. 

 

    He had been in AA long enough to know it takes a lot of work, personal experience with the 12 Steps, and time in recovery to fully grasp and comprehend alcoholism as a spiritual malady and recovery in AA.  He also knew "when I am in the picture, I can't see the frame."

 

    He understand approaching the treatment of alcoholism is comparable to the dilemma of an iceberg.  With about 10% visible, the most dangerous, problematic portion remains submerged from view, rendering the 90% obscured the most lethal portion.  Remember the sinking of HMS Titanic, it wasn't the visible portion of the iceberg which sank her! 

 

    Treatment professionals, workers within the therapeutic community and people affected by our behavior see perhaps 10% of the real problem: the results of the allergy + the obsession -- that is to say, the results of our drinking and drinking behavior.  They then attempt to treat those problems related to our drinking (e.g., the 10%).  Our efforts are all too often undone by the most deadly aspect, the 90% which remains obscured from their view and ours -- the spiritual malady. 

 

    He likes to refer to the 90% as The ISM Factor, which he believes to be the "real" problem.  In his experience, AA has the power to expose and treat the 90% (the spiritual malady) that is not visible, and in the process treats the 10% that is.  Because of this, he decided to listen to what my sponsor suggested.

 

    He trusted his sponsor.  He had an open mind.  He had experience with the 90%.  Barney didn’t tell him not to take the meds, he just offered him a different perception and a viable option.  He decided to put off ending it that night and considered pursuing an investigation of Bill W’s work as his sponsor suggested.  He didn’t know where to begin, but he was willing to go to any lengths.  An AA acquaintance of his once suggested "God only does for us that which is not humanly possible, we must do all of that which is humanly possible."  He decided to trust "God does for us what we can’t do for ourselves," therefore he knew he had a lot of work to do.

   

    That night he "coincidentally" came across the first of two articles written by Bill W., articles which suggested he in fact did recover -- fully "in the clear" of his depression -- c1956.  In a general way, Bill W. credited Rev. Sam Shoemaker and William D. Silkworth, MD, but more specifically Bill cited his work with Father Ed Dowling and Dr. Harry Tiebout (c1946-1956) as being the main reason for his freedom from anxiety, depression and grandiosity.  He was awakened!  The search was on.  He decided to put the medication idea on hold and called his sponsor.  They talked.  Barney wished him well.

 

    His intuitive suspicion was his problem is spiritual in nature and outside the scope of conventional "disease" thinking.  He didn't know he was institutionalized in his thinking and therefore obscured from God's power as it manifests itself within the AA way of life, rendering him powerless even though he was attending AA meetings daily.

 

    In his experience, when an alcoholic feels powerless, he/she is vulnerable to believing in and adopting most any idea or opinion he/she encounters, and is susceptible to placing faulty dependence upon the person or institution presenting or representing that opinion.  He embellished and exaggerated his symptomatic report to the doctor.  Given the givens, he suspected he didn't really need the medication.  What he wanted was relief -- to feel better.  And, to be rigorously honest, he didn't want to turn his entire life over to the care of God and AA!

 

    Regarding "feel better."  In our experience, alcoholics of our type come into recovery committed to "feeling better" rather than "getting better."  What do we mean?  Alcoholics of our type will take actions to "get better" because we are desperate to "feel better."  But we inexplicably discontinue the very actions which are making us get better if the actions we are taking to get better prove to be uncomfortable or painstaking, suggesting we got what we were really looking for -- to feel better!  The fact is, to "get better" means we will experience discomfort and pain (emotional and mental) in the process.  Just to mention an excerpt from the Big Book:  "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development..."

 

    He knew of an AA member in California whom he met at a conference when he was newly sober, a man well known for his work with alcoholics who have a difficult time getting and staying sober.  He mentioned to Barney he wanted to meet with him.  Upon his guarded approval (Barney didn't like him) and the one way bus ticket he bought, he went to Los Angeles and met with him. 

 

    He was introduced into this man's home group.  He was there 6 months during which time he encountered a piece of the puzzle missing in his home group.  It was personal identification!  His group was composed predominantly of alcoholics with personalities just like his.  He observed the group methodology -- structure, order, discipline, accountability, conformity and submission to the authority of the founder. 

 

    He realized he experienced this methodology before.  It reminded him of his Navy days, and of a treatment center he was in before he stopped drinking.  He functioned well in both.  In his experience, this man's group exhibits a similar superstructure as the military and functions like a long term treatment program rather than a typical AA group -- a treatment program very cleverly designed by this group's founder to look like an actual AA group. 

 

    The structure of the group includes an expectation of accountability and conformity; a demand for loyalty to the founder and his methods; a structured plan of activities away from actual AA meetings and a sponsorship ethic which defers to the authority of the sponsor, all of which differentiates and separates it from an actual AA group.  But because of his prior military and alcoholism treatment experience, he felt as though he fit in with them completely and was safe, and this was one of the few times in his life he felt safe without alcohol.  His feelings of safety proved to be precarious at best.

 

    He returned to Illinois 6 months later with a sense of relief, but still wondering "what’s wrong with me."  That something would prove to be the final piece -- the invisible piece -- which afforded him an opportunity to begin his recovery from the often times grave emotional and mental disorders which, in his opinion, are directly associated with the spiritual illness of alcoholism.

 

    He decided to start a group like the one in California.  He knew the fellowship he participated in held a key to his dilemma.  He was going to "run it" just like the California AA ran his, or so he thought. 

 

    Then "it" happened again.  He unexpectedly came upon yet another writing of Bill W’s, a writing published in the NYSJM (c1948/49) that suggested -- as alcoholics -- we share a common problem, that of course being an allergy of the body (to alcohol) and an obsession of the mind (to drink like normal drinkers).  But then Bill mentioned something in his article that was to drive him relentlessly for the next two of years.  Bill W. suggested there are two distinctly different groups of alcoholic bearing an opposite emotional and mental make up. 

 

    That article was Bill's response to this question posed by medical men: “If your fellowship [AA] of men and women had not been drinkers, what would you say their emotional and mental make up would have been?”

 

    Said Bill W.: "It is probable that half our members, had they not been drinkers, would have appeared in ordinary life to be normal people, while the other half would have appeared in ordinary life as more or less pronounced neurotic."

 

    What does this suggest, and why is it important?  In his opinion, it suggests prior to drinking alcohol half of our fellowship appear normal in every regard except for the effect alcohol has on them.  When they stop drinking alcohol -- thereby disengaging the craving -- and the obsession is removed, they soon return to their natural state (able, intelligent and friendly, as the BB says) with little or no extra effort on their part at all, which suggests they have and exhibit the ability to act and react sanely and normally naturally.  And as long as they stay away from the first drink of alcohol (in any amount at all or in any form at all), take the 12 steps and continue to grow along spiritual lines, they remain that way with very little difficulty.  He considers this to be the "Group 1" abnormal drinker.  He likes to refer to a group 1 alcoholic as a "Dr. Bob type" alcoholic because Dr. Bob's emotional and mental makeup reflected this when sober...

 

    ...the other half, prior to drinking alcohol, appear to be more or less pronounced neurotic (his and our type), which is to suggest they present -- to a greater or lesser degree -- a "maladjusted" state of mind and emotion.  For this abnormal drinker, alcohol is not only a problem (as it is with the "Dr. Bob" type) but also a "solution" in that it produces an extemporaneous effect of seeming normalcy in the mind of this drinker.  When this type drinker stops drinking alcohol, they too return to their natural (albeit maladjusted) state of mind and emotion, but at an intensified level, which identifies this type abnormal drinkers real problem -- sobriety.  This type abnormal drinker is drinking not only to satisfy the allergy and obsession, but he is also drinking to be, act, and feel normal,* natural, adjusted.  This type abnormal drinkers real difficulties emerge once they are sober.  In the beginning their sobriety is precarious and difficult to maintain.  He believes this to be The ISM Factor in alcoholism.  He considers this the "Group 2" abnormal drinker.  He likes to refer to a group 2 alcoholic as a "Bill W. type" alcoholic because Bill's emotional and mental makeup appeared to be of this ilk and opposite that of Dr. Bob's when sober.

 

    [*Normal - in the sense one has and exhibits an ability to successfully manage their own affairs; has and exhibits an ability to function emotionally and mentally within a normal range of emotion; has and exhibits an ability to accept life on life's terms while being guided by and living according to one's own belief in a power, greater than oneself (without the need for mood-altering medications and/or other forms of chemical correction); normal in the sense they feel they fit in, are a part of, senses he/she belongs, and harbors a strong feeling of acceptance, understanding, and worthiness among their fellows; normal in the sense they feel they are needed, wanted and loved - naturally.]

 

    It is interesting to note -- where alcohol is concerned -- that both type abnormal drinkers share the common problem of an allergy of the body coupled with an obsession of the mind but, once sober, the Doctor Bob type abnormal drinker does not identify with the nature and intensity of the symptoms associated with The ISM Factor and, as such, cannot understand this idea.  And in his experience, many "Dr. Bob types" scoff not only at the 12 Step essays in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, but the very idea of The ISM Factor as well.  As the saying goes "you can't spot it...if you haven't got it!"

 

    He knew the answers to his nagging questions were manifest in these ideas.  He was sure of it.  He could feel it.  He knew intuitively this warranted a further investigation.  He was excited at the prospect he was on to something at last.  His hopes skyrocketed.  The problem was he still didn’t know what that "something" was.

 

    His sponsor suggested he keep looking because he was exhibiting the first signs of genuine hope he had seen in him since he has known him, rather than the "spiritual make believe" and "spiritual intoxication" he had been desperately trying to live in.  His sponsor suggested he keep this between God, himself and he, and pursue it quietly.  Time would prove the wisdom of that suggestion through the pains and pangs of his disobedience to that specific suggestion.

 

    Rev. Sam Shoemaker said to Bill W. "you can argue the interpretation of an experience, but you must in fact acknowledge the experience itself."  In a letter Bill W. sent to two AA’s (dated 1970), he wrote to them saying he fully recovered from the need for excessive elation, the pangs of anxiety and the throes of depression, a depression that never returned.  He spoke with his sponsor about this and Barney suggested he not interpret the information but rather rely upon it as the words from the person involved.  So very simple.  He decided to "entertain the possibility."

 

    It was suggested he side-step the temptation to solicit opinions regarding Bill’s work in the years of his depression from which the 12 Step essays evolved.  Why?  Because opinions are all too often based in an individuals own pride and prejudice -- often founded in selfish, self-seeking, self-serving motives -- perhaps formed from a person's bias, criticism or judgment of another's work being undertaken.  Back then, he was a people-pleaser and approval seeker.  He would not have considered this factor.  Once again, his sponsor saved him from himself.

 

    Barney suggested a wise thing would be to research non-alcoholic pioneers who worked directly with Bill W.  Their accounts of events which took place would probably be more of an objective, reliable report than those who perhaps have an ego-driven agenda or self-interest, profit-motivated opinion of Bill’s "program" of recovery.  This proved to be a wise and prudent choice, for on his own he would have opted to talk with everybody he could find, hoping for and seeking their approval and support.

 

    He then set out on what proved to be an 8 month sojourn.  He gathered everything he could find in reference to Bill W’s work with Rev. Sam Shoemaker, Dr. William 'Silky' Silkworth, Father Ed Dowling and Dr. Harry Tiebout.  The work Bill W. undertook with these gentlemen resulted in his victory over depression, freedom from the bondage of self, and contributed to the essays for the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. 

 

    He assembled and copied hundreds of articles, letters, talks, stories and comments directly related to Bill's efforts.  He became engrossed.  Some suggested he was obsessed to the point "he’s finally gone off the deep end; he’s off on a tangent; he’s a loose cannon" and perhaps he was ... in the grips of a magnificent obsession. 

 

    In the fall of '85 he took the information he gathered back to Illinois and began assembling the pieces of what proved to be for him an "x-ray like view" of what he believed to be the "invisible" factor in the spiritual illness of alcoholism -- The ISM Factor -- as it manifests in agnosticism.

 

    He spent a year sifting through the articles, one by one, blindly pressing on.  He had no real idea as to what he was looking for but his sponsor assured him he would know it when he found it.  So he kept sifting, sorting and working at the tedious but, for him, all important task at hand.  Then, as a great wind of clarity blew through the stacks of paper, "it" came together at the precise moment he was about to burn the papers out of impatience and frustration.  Little by little a picture was coming into focus, a picture which propelled him down a one degree change of course, one he remains on today ... within the AA way of life.

 

    It was time for him to leave Illinois.  He wanted to pursue this in California where he felt he fit in and belonged.  The meeting he attempted to start was rejected by the local membership, due in part to their dogged determination to remain part of the status quo, and his indelible need for security and safety, which he imposed through command and control.

 

    He knew this was the fellowship he craved.  He called Barney and he suggested he move to California.  He discussed the idea with his family and friends.  Most were genuinely supportive.  They could see he was filled with hope.  So in the autumn of '86, he packed up and headed to California, anticipating 5 days travel time.  He soon discovered God had other plans for him.

 

    On his way he decided to stop just outside Iowa City, Iowa, to attend a campout being sponsored by some local AA’s.  While there, he met Dr. Susan G. and they became fast friends.  She too was moving and on her way to Des Moines Iowa to open an adolescent rehab program.  They talked at great length.  He shared some experiences he gained during his first 5 years of sobriety working at a treatment center in the area of recreational diagnostics.  She found that to be interesting and asked him if he would be interested in helping get her program started, to work for her.  He was really anxious to get to California, but he could tell this was a "God-thing," that he could learn from this well educated person.

 

    He didn’t know how, but he knew this was -- as his sponsor would have called it -- a "growth opportunity."  He told Susan at the campout that if he went to work for her he would give it 6 months maximum, and then on to California.  He didn’t know it then, but he was to be in Iowa for seven long and turbulent years.

 

    October, 1986.  He is now in Iowa working at the county hospital in their new adolescent rehab program.  He was employed as a technician and recreational aide.  He previously worked in rehab before as assistant manager of a men’s halfway house, and as a technician and volunteer recreation aide at a 90 bed treatment facility in Illinois.  He began to experience the resurgence of an old frustration related to treatment.  It is the primary reason he quit working "in the field."

 

    In his experience, alcoholism treatment often (albeit innocently) induces a counter-productive effect upon a prospects entry into AA, unwittingly sending alcoholics of his type to probable failure.  He knew this because it happened to him, and he saw it happen to others.  These areas include, but are not limited to, promoting and professing the "disease concept" in AA as opposed to "the allergy, the obsession and the spiritual malady" as found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous -- the only real authority for AA; adopting and using professional language rather than language of the heart; loyalty to treatment for saving their life, rather than AA; loss of the needed desperation to take suggested actions, listen to advice, or take direction from a sponsor in the AA program of recovery following treatment; having completed step work according to a counselors determination as to how they should complete step work, inadvertently instilling a "we are the experts, AA's are not" mentality.  They then sponsor alcoholics using treatment values rather than introducing them to "traditional" AA values.

 

   He wanted to pass his experience on to individuals coming into AA from various institutions in a manner receptive to them.  He wanted to share so they would be aware they have been influenced by a professional perception of AA, rather than fundamental, historical, traditional AA.  He wanted God to use him to motivate their interest in the AA way of life beyond the limits of an institutional perception.  He wanted them realize it is in their interest to transfer their loyalty from their treatment center, alcoholism counselor or therapist to God, AA, their home group and sponsor.

   

    He said a typical alcoholic prayer "God help me!"  As the saying goes "watch what you pray for – you just might get it."

 

    Interestingly enough, he was approached during this same time period and asked by a group of alcoholics to conduct a workshop.  They wanted him to share his experience related to his research of Bill W's emotional sobriety work, which ultimately led him to overcome the vicious cycle of elation, grandiosity and depression, a vicious cycle of self-deceit and self-deception, a cycle which turned out to be spiritual in nature.

 

    The thought of a workshop terrified him.  His first impulse was an unequivocal no!  But AA's "I Am Responsible" came to mind -- so he said yes.  He asked for their help presenting the workshop -- hoping they would say no, so he could escape his "yes."  But of course they said yes.

 

    He had no idea how to facilitate such a request.  He was still in the throes of transformation himself.  God was definitely at work here.  He came to believe (with 20/20 hindsight) his transformation could not have been consummated had it not been for the changes he went through as a direct result of the awakenings he experienced presenting 192 workshops over the course of the past 19 years.

 

    He realized little by little that the power borne of his service to these workshops was healing his broken spirit.  He began to see this project as being "bigger" than himself -- bigger than his life and the selfish plans he had for it.  The winds of change were upon him.  Clearly, he was standing at yet another turning point in his life.  he had a "moment of clarity."

 

    He likes to refer to "a moment of clarity" as:  "God's call to action ... for change."

 

    He was attending meetings daily.  He was working full time with overtime.  He was working with the Sheriff’s Reserve, playing softball, volleyball and basketball in his "spare" time.  He was driving back to Illinois to visit his children.  He was sleeping 3 to 4 hours a day and working on structuring and presenting what was then referred to as the Step’n Ahead into Emotional Sobriety workshop, presently known as "We Are ... Step'n Ahead©" workshop.  He knew he couldn’t keep this pace up much longer.

 

    It was suggested to him by workshop enthusiasts that in his spare time he might compile and compose the notes, outlines and pictures he uses during the course of a "We Are ... Step'n Ahead©" weekend workshop.  They also suggested he assemble them in booklet form.  What?!?  Oh my God!, he thought.  He didn’t know what to think about that.  Numerous individuals continued to press him about making his notes available.  He thought about it for awhile, but he knew if he made his notes available he would become even more of a target for criticism and judgment.  He asked God for help.  He called Barney.  He gave him his "go for it" seal of approval. 

 

    He began assembling his notes just in case he decided to accept this task.  It was abundantly clear what he should do, but he didn’t for a single minute think nor believe -- given his suspect mental state and lack of formal education beyond remedial high school -- that he could actually do it.  His sponsor quickly agreed -- "he" couldn’t do it -- but "we" could!  Touché!

 

    For the next two years (1990 to 1992) he tried to maintain the same pace.  It was as if he was being driven by something beyond his control.  In addition to his aforementioned schedule, he was now traveling around the country carrying the message of emotional sobriety.  Whenever he wasn’t involved in a workshop or working his regular scheduled jobs, he was working to compose his notes. 

 

    He was about to be met with a difficult decision.  Does he set aside the time consuming, painstaking preparation of the "We Are ... Step'n Ahead©" workshop and delay composition of his outline notes, or, does he quit his full time job, the sheriff’s reserve, his sports leagues, and set aside his personal ideas of success in order to pursue the former with all the time, energy and resources available to him.

 

    He knew in his heart what he needed to do, what he had to do.  And he knew at an even deeper level he would be irresponsible of life's obligations if he did, but he felt possessed.  He asked God for help and called his sponsor.  Barney was fully supportive.  He suggested he talk with his children, another friend, and an objective person for additional guidance.  He did.  Much to his surprise, most everyone supported the idea.  "Go for it" is what he heard -- go to California and finish this.  It was done!  He made a decision.  It was time to go.

 

    He proceeded in stages.  He resigned the sheriff’s reserve first.  He quit his full time job at the county hospital and his part time job a few months later.  June of 1992 he moved to Southern California to undertake what he thought might be a two year project.  In fact, this "project" lasted an unimaginable, inexplicable, almost untenable 17 years.

 

    His move was impulsive.  After his arrival to Santa Monica, it was two months before he secured housing.  He didn't have a place to stay before that, so he slept in a bookstore office owned by a friend.  

 

    He conserved his finances by eating one meal a day w/ supplements.  He didn’t own a car.  He borrowed cars, procured rides or bussed it.  No matter what the cost or sacrifice -- including time, family, money or love -- he was committed to see this through.  He rarely complained, after all, this was his choice.  He re-evaluated his goals.  He contacted his long time sponsor, best friend, and Dr. Rip to discuss all that was happening.  He flew to Illinois and met with Rip, Barney, a clergyman friend and his children.  They understood his dilemma and offered their continued support.  He was re-focused and re-energized, re-dedicated and motivated.

 

    He needed a way to side-step the pressure he was putting on himself to once again fit in and be accepted by the status quo.  Ultimately, he wanted to finish this.  He realized he was walking a fine line between idealism and reality.

 

    Wow, the power of commitment!  He was slowly returning to his original course of action.  He realized he wasn’t feeling the pressure anymore.  It was still there to be sure, but he was no longer giving it power in his life.  It must have worked because from that time on he had two goals.  The first of which was to compile and compose the notes, outlines and pictures he uses in the "We Are ... Step'n Ahead© / Step'n Ahead into Emotional Sobriety©" workshop.  The second was to carry the message in a way he could reach alcoholics of his type with information that could overcome an institutional (therapy based) indoctrination of AA, of which many are under the influence of.  He was now committed to the idea of "getting better" rather than "feeling better."

 

    He was unaware this was the beginning of the end of that stage of his quest, a quest which began as a result of his desperate search to find answers for his untenable, vacillating emotions, and the urgency they created for him to either take medication, drink alcohol, end it all, or find a safe and workable solution within the framework of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

 

    Many people continue to dismiss Bill W’s essays of the 12 Steps, saying he was depressed when he wrote them.  Yes, he was, and that is the beauty of it!  As he was writing the essays, with the help of Dr. Harry Tiebout, Father Ed Dowling and Rev. Sam Shoemaker, he was putting the information into practical application within his own life and, by his own words -- in a letter dated 1970 and directed to two AA’s -- he recovered and had been "in the clear" (free of gnawing anxiety and depression) since 1956 and it never returned, though he would not realize the fact for several years.  As is often said "we are the last to know!"

 

    This portion of his adventure began enigmatically and ended serendipitously.  On June 10, 2000, another phase of his quest began.  It was Founder’s Day at Akron, Ohio.  On this day he experienced an epiphany.  Saturday evening midway through what the committee refers to as "the big meeting" -- held in J.A.R. Arena on the campus of Akron University -- something extraordinary happened to him.  During his talk, he commented he was ready after all these years to let his past go.  At that point he was unable to make his voice respond to his thoughts.  This lasted over a minute.  It seemed to last an eternity.  Perhaps it had, as he could only cry.

 

    It was then -- and for the longest time -- he felt connected to all those present within JAR Arena.  Something of great moment had just occurred in his being.  He couldn’t see because of the tears in his eyes.  He was choked up and a bit off-balance, but he was able to finish his talk (lasting another 30 minutes or so), and when he left the podium, he left under a different influence than when he approached it.

 

    He was enveloped with a feeling he couldn't put into words -- perhaps the outpouring of love in the room created an opening in his spirit, an opening that the Grace of God could enter and infuse him with the knowledge of His power, His presence, His love and His protection.

 

    He didn't know he had just experienced an epiphany…a "psychic shift," if you will.  And like the irreversible shift of earth’s seismic plates during an earthquake, his thoughts, feelings, beliefs, judgments and attitudes (about life and life’s events) could no longer remain the same.  What he didn’t know was apparent to those who knew him well -- the transformation was taking place.  His friends watched it develop through the years.  Perhaps his epiphany was God’s way of letting him know.  And, yes, he now knew.

 

   He believes in retrospect his epiphany was brought on by the "power" present in and around JAR Arena that night.  The energy they exuded, the love and acceptance they shared washed over him as he stood mute and unabashedly vulnerable as waves of grace softened him.  At last, he had been made ready to receive "the gift."

 

    This was his moment to be awakened to the next level of spiritual consciousness and maturity, which includes an ability to conduct himself in a rational, reasonable, socially acceptable manner, free of exceptional anxieties, irrational fears and abnormal emotional upheavals; free of faulty emotional dependencies on people, places, institutions and things to secure feelings of self-satisfaction, approval and worthiness; safety and protection.

 

    During the course of the past 17 years living in California, he did not take on or work a regular income producing job.  But rather he depended on savings he had hidden away for a rainy day and the assistance of friends and supporters so he could focus and direct all his energy, effort and attention into the development of the "We Are ... Step'n Ahead©" workshop and composition of his notes, outlines and pictures, all the while ready, willing, and able to carry the message for fun and for free whenever and wherever asked.

 

    With his funds depleted, he again had thoughts of setting aside this project in favor of taking a regular job.  He was losing faith.  Once again he began to doubt himself.  Once again he was visiting the doorstep of self-pity.  He was unconsciously spiraling into the vicious cycle of agnosticism!

 

    It was then that Frankie R. -- also known as "The Venice Poet" -- injected his wisdom and experience.  Frankie understands the creative world and all that goes with it.  Ordinary folk, says he, do not and cannot understand nor comprehend the lifestyle of a creative energy.  Frankie knew from his own experience that he could lose all motivation and desire for the work he was doing if he set it down this close to finish, and he probably would not see it through.  Frankie vigorously suggested he continue his efforts no matter what and get by as best he could.  Finish it, said he.  Both Frankie and he thought it would only be a matter of a few more months.  In fact, it was four more years.

 

    During these past four years he was challenged with even more hardship.  He exhausted his money.  With pressure building, he wasn't sure if he could continue.   He turned to his sponsor and best friend for help.  God must have known that he and his friend both needed help.  As it turns out, they needed each other…they helped each other…and isn’t that the AA way?!?   

 

    he is happy to report that as a result of this adventure, he is less of a people-pleaser and approval-seeker.  He decided to turn negativity into positive energy.  He used it for motivation. 

 

    His most painful experiences proved necessary for him to see how he places faulty emotional dependence upon people, places and things ahead of God for satisfaction of his instincts for security, survival and ambition -- safety and protection.  And thank God these dependencies failed him!

 

    As it turns out, and as God would surely have it, these are the very people most responsible for his completing this work in 2009, and his continued dedication to the idea of carrying the message to alcoholics who seek emotional maturity and balance the AA way.

 

    It is Oct 2009.  This stage of his adventure seems to have come to an end.  He has completed that which he has been working tirelessly toward for 20+ years.  Chuck C. once said to him "get on with the business of dying, so you can get on with the business of living."  Indeed, he has died to his old self, it is time now for him to get on with the business of living.

 

    He has come of age emotionally and mentally.  He lives today free of the obsession for alcohol, in the clear of depression, and he is not dependent upon any psychiatric medications, outside therapy or a stronger personality for his happiness.  He is at peace with himself and God.  He can admit his faults.  He seems incapable of holding a grudge. 

 

    He has an indisputable, unwavering love for God and AA.  He is loyal.  He believes in taking a no-nonsense approach to respecting and upholding the 12 Traditions.  He takes to heart AA's "I Am Responsible" statement of personal responsibility.  He knows the significance of "Rule 62" -- suggesting he take the program of Alcoholics Anonymous with sincere earnestness while he tries not to take himself or others...too darned seriously -- and it's role in his personal recovery.

 

    He is excited to know he has a lot of room to grow in this process.  He believes the God of his understanding is manifest within AA,  that God and AA are synonymous.  He no longer depends upon others for his feelings of self-satisfaction, approval, worthiness -- safety and protection.  He is not unduly concerned with what someone thinks about him or of what others may think he should or should not be doing.  He understands there will always be those who disapprove and/or disagree -- for whatever reasons seem right to them -- of things he may or may not do.  Indeed, that is none of his business.  He no longer seeks permission to live his life.  As Chuck C. said to him in 1977:  "Our business is to do God's business, one day at a time. 

 

    -- Friends of Step'n Ahead

 

    Please note that we have established this website in an attempt to attract the still suffering alcoholic to information regarding The ISM Factor in alcoholism, and how we escaped the captivity of the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome (think Stockholm Syndrome) in our sobriety. 

 

    This information has been laid out in the form of notes, outlines and pictures by the subject of this story so anyone who may still be suffering (or simply someone who is interested), may have an opportunity to grasp the idea of Agnosticism, The ISM Factor and the Faulty Emotional Dependency Syndrome, and one day escape the vicious cycle of living in intense states of excited and agitated emotion; living with gnawing anxiety; and suffering a spiraling (spiritual) depression while outgrowing their desperate need to place faulty emotional dependencies upon people, places and things for their feelings of self-satisfaction, approval and worthiness...safety and protection, or to have others place these dependencies on them. 

        

    The information contained within this website represents a brief look at a subject related to alcoholism.  That subject, The ISM Factor, is associated with what Silkworth describes in the book Alcoholics Anonymous to be "an illness of the mind and emotions," specific to a type of abnormal drinker who he suggests suffer “sometimes grave emotional and mental disorders” associated with the spiritual illness of alcoholism. 

 

    The fact is little was known or specifically written about The ISM Factor in alcoholism in our type abnormal drinker before the subject of this story was desperately driven to take on the task.  It was suggested to him that it is his responsibility and his duty to share his experience uncovering and identifying symptoms associated with The ISM Factor in alcoholism, and describe how these symptoms affect our type abnormal drinker, especially when sober, despite any human "side effects" he may encounter in the process. 

 

    It was genuine interest of his closest friends coupled with an alarming number of alcoholics being diagnosed with problems other than alcoholism sober -- who are being prescribed a myriad of mind and mood altering medications before they have tried AA sincerely and without reservation for a reasonable period of time -- that convinced him to entertain our request. 

 

    Many in therapy, alcoholism treatment and "sober living" transitional settings are referred to AA with "expert" ideas as to how the AA program should or should not be worked in order to appease a treatment plan developed by a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or aide being paid for their opinion or point of view.  Many of these paid workers lack personal experience, while others harbor negative, contrary attitudes about AA while still others are compromised by their own unresolved issues, often projecting this onto their clients.  Many it seems treat AA like an aftercare program, wanting to tell us how to treat their clients according to how they think AA should cater to them.   We find this incredibly interesting and dangerously disturbing. 

 

    It goes without saying there will always be alcoholics who require medication due to an accurate diagnosis of clinical depression, bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia, etc.  A dilemma we all too often encounter in recovery, however, is the alcoholic who embellishes, exaggerates, or feigns their symptomatic report to a doctor, therapist or psychiatrist, inviting an albeit innocent misdiagnosis of their actual problem.  Or those who wallow in the messy bog of self-pity until it is diagnosed as depression and medicated, instilling yet another block between God, we and they. 

 

    As we are all aware, talk therapy is almost wholly reliant upon the symptomatic reporting skills of the "sick" person and the ability of the therapist to discern their case from this sick person's all too often embellished, exaggerated or feigned report -- and therein lies the crux of the problem.

 

    In our experience, we know this all too well.  There are a number of alcoholics in the Chicago area taking prescribed psychiatric medication to alter or manage their erratic emotions, or on the verge of taking medication.  At their request and with the help of their doctors and a concrete plan of action laid out for them by those alcoholics who have had the same experience (as outlined in the "getting into action" link), they were "safely" taken off all their medications.  And today they live happy, joyous and free ~ the AA way. 

 

    Indeed, there are many "Friends of Step'n Ahead©" just like these around the world who are free as well due directly to the information and knowledge of their condition gained at a "We Are ... Step'n Ahead" workshop, and the actions they took (and continue to take) in AA to consummate that information after completing the workshop.  Because of this, we asked the author to post his story related to The ISM Factor in alcoholism herein.

   

    We are not suggesting that anyone should stop taking any prescribed medications based upon the information contained within this website.  We are not doctors!  We are not suggesting nor implying we are presenting an expert medical diagnosis or opinion.  We do not tell anyone to stop taking prescribed medication nor do we suggest to anyone that they should start taking medication to alter or manage their emotions.

 

    We do not accept attendees into Step'n Ahead @ The Last Mile's week-long alternative workshop program who are under psychiatric care, taking anti-depressant medication or other medications used to alter or manage their emotions as we are not staffed to deal with the related problems.  We believe it is better for this type alcoholic to be assisted by those qualified to deal with this specific issue and are equipped to handle it.  We do not express opinions regarding the use of medication. 

 

    Friends of Step'n Ahead© are part of a confidential list of sober alcoholic men and women around the US and the UK who have become safely free of all medications intended to alter or sedate their mind and emotions.  Many of them at one time or another were in treatment, therapy, or on the verge of or already using psychiatric medications.  They are available to share their experience with anyone who may be interested.   

 

    If you identify with information posted in this website, especially regarding embellishing, exaggerating or feigning a symptomatic report to a doctor or others, we would be happy to share our experience with you as to how we found freedom from the bondage of self with the "We Are ... Step'n Ahead" weekend workshop and Step'n Ahead at The Last Mile's intensive week-long workshop.